i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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