Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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