sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
