One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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