apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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