she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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