I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
