If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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