I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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