remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
