You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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