The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
