I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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