babies were throwing up all over the place
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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