Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
