Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
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Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
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I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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