wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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