low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize