My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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