paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
