turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
