Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Holy sore nipples Batman
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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