You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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