I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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