I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
