So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
