Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
