It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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