So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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