if you like me you must not know who I am
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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