remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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