Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
