ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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