Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
