I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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