If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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