I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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