On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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