I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
