I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
