Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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