i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
