I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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