Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
