I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
