If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
