Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
