He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
