I am puke
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
try to milk me bitch
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