Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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