you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
