Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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