I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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