I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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