I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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