just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
