sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
